


under blinding light

by starlight (Lolita_Lollipops)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, M/M, awkward kisses, in line w episode 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8586397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lolita_Lollipops/pseuds/starlight
Summary: And this was the next step in this routine: Victor came ever closer, surrounding Yuuri with furnace heat. He rubbed his hand in Yuuri’s hair, always an uncombed mess except during competition. Again, that fond smile. What did he know about imperfection? He held out his hand to pull Yuuri up. Yuuri always took it, reveling in the soft, wiry hands of Victor.





	

He was flying. The ice below his feet glimmered; the blinding lights above him encircling his head, dancing over his black hair. He spun, the rink blurring by him, a whirl of white and blue. He was coming into a world where there was no expectation - only movement and power and the lights sparkling in his eyes. 

 

Then his skate met the ice, angled too far to the left. Gravity pushed on Yuuri’s form, crumbling him to the ground. He met it harshly, skidding to a stop, his skate making a harsh, screeching sound on the ice. Yuuri cringed inwardly, embarrassed beyond belief.

 

For a moment, he just lay there. He could not find the energy within him to get up after that fall. He was absolutely sure his left knee was bruised; he could feel it throbbing. 

 

“Yuuri,” a heavenly voice called. Graceful skates cut through the ice, making their way to the fallen form on the ground. “You alright?” Victor asked him. Yuuri felt his presence, that warmth which was constant even in the coldest of places, kneel next to his right side. That side of Yuuri fluttered in excitement. He still couldn’t stop himself from being a little jittery around his idol.

 

Yuuri got himself up off the ground and sat on the ice, facing Victor. Victor had a little smile on his face, a knowing smile. Yuuri was always fine after a tumble on the ice. He fell a lot, because even though he knew where his center of balance was, and how to logically move into and out of the jump, jumps were another beast entirely. Once you were up in the air, it was all or nothing, and Yuuri hadn’t learned how to master that fate quite yet. Unlike Victor. 

 

Yuuri felt heat rush to his face as he averted his eyes from his coach’s intense gaze. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, it won’t happen again.”

 

And this was the next step in this routine: Victor came ever closer, surrounding Yuuri with furnace heat. He rubbed his hand in Yuuri’s hair, always an uncombed mess except during competition. Again, that fond smile. What did he know about imperfection? He held out his hand to pull Yuuri up. Yuuri always took it, reveling in the soft, wiry hands of Victor.

 

Victor would nod, and Yuuri would nod back, an intimate conversation that didn’t require spoken words.

 

_How are you?_

 

_I’m hurt, but I love this, so I’ll keep trying._

 

_Okay. I’m sorry that you’re hurt; that my routines hurt you._

 

_There’s no need to be sorry, really. I’ve got motivation, too, you know. I want to win this just as much as you do._

 

_Let’s keep moving._

 

And Yuuri practiced and practiced and practiced until he couldn’t feel his feet, til his legs were shaking with exhaustion, til he felt like he had died out there on the ice, and it was only his soul unlacing his shoes, putting them in his backpack, and walking out the lobby with Victor’s hand on his shoulder.

 

\-----

 

**Victor:** “Yuuri! Why can’t I sleep in your bedroom? I still haven’t gazed upon your lovely sleeping face!”

 

**Victor:** _*After a considerable pause*_ “Yuuri!! And Maccachin, too??”

 

**Yuuri:** _*Muffled, through the closed door*_ “Go away.”

 

\-----

 

Early morning, soft and simple. Yuuri yawns as he wakes up, blinking with bleary eyes. He rolls over, checks his phone.

 

Is that the time!!?

 

Yuuri jumps out of bed, shucking his pajamas off, shoving on the first outfit he sees, which happens to be his practice clothes from yesterday. He grabs his skating backpack and is out the door before Maccachin can fully wake up.

 

Late, late, late!

 

\-----

 

They practice longer that day, as punishment for Yuuri’s late arrival. Yuuri finds himself enamoured with the feeling of exhaustion, how it creeps over his skin and sinks into his bones slowly, leaving an ache that he knows will remain for days to come. 

 

They discuss possibilities for Yuuri’s Free Skate, and Victor gets stuck on how Yuuri has never chosen his own music. 

 

...It was embarrassing to hear Coach Celestino relay Yuuri’s shortcomings to Victor, though Yuuri is sure Victor already knew about them. After the phone conversation, Victor has decided: Yuuri will choose his own Free Skate song, and that’s the end of the argument.

 

Sometimes Yuuri doesn’t like that others always choose how his life goes. He’s sure he hasn’t made a decision of his own about skating for maybe his entire life. Yuuri feels like he’s just along for the ride. 

 

But...maybe that isn’t so bad? Having others cheer for him does raise what little self-confidence he has. Especially when Victor praises him. His praise washes over Yuuri like a wave, and Yuuri can’t help but drown in it. It’s just too good of a feeling to let go.

 

Yuuri decides that, at least for this last season, he will succumb to the depths of the ocean of skating. As long as Victor remained to keep him aloft.

 

\-----

 

_What should I have done differently?_

 

Yuuri jogs, his raincoat swishing with the motion. Rain falls lightly, fog descending over the town, curling around the Castle.

 

_What could I have done to take control of my life?_

 

_What could I have done to be a better skater?_

 

The music defining his skating career plays over and over and over again, through the earbuds nestled in his ears.

 

_Why did Victor choose me?_

 

\-----

 

“Yuuri.” 

 

Victor stands at Yuuri’s bedroom door, blanket and pillow in hand. His look today is not one of pleading, it is of firm resolve.

 

“Victor.” It is all that can come out of Yuuri’s mouth.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

Yuuri bites his lip, hand fidgeting around the door handle.

 

“Sure.”

 

\-----  
“Yuuri.”

 

A hot breath over Yuuri’s ear. Yuuri shivers.

 

“Yeah?” He croaks.

 

“Look at me.”

 

Yuuri turns his body around so that he is facing Victor. His face is so close. Yuuri thinks he can count his eyelashes. One, two, three… the beating of his own heart, so loud it echoes in his ears, the room, the house, the world.

 

“I love you.”

 

A pause. The room stills for a moment, leaning in, listening. Yuuri feels a cold chill on the back of his neck the same time a blush rises to his cheeks.

 

“O-oh,” is all he can stutter.

 

Victor sighs, a fond smile gracing his features. 

 

Yuuri has the intense, sudden, blazing burning fiery sparkling fireworks bursting open in the black of the night sky urge to kiss that smile.

 

So he does.

 

\-----

 

“You haven’t chosen your music yet? Why can’t you trust your own decisions?”

 

It’s the end of practice. Yuuri is the living embodiment of the feeling of exhaustion. He could barely sleep last night. Of course Victor didn’t kiss back. Of course.

 

There had been a million and one things represented in that kiss, and Yuuri sure as hell didn’t know what to call them just yet. He had wanted Victor to feel those emotions, those abstract things and somehow make sense of them like he always does. 

 

And Yuuri was almost regretting it - regretting that his first kiss ever had been with a half-awake man, and Yuuri was probably just his fancy, just like in the Eros routine, and as soon as he was seduced it would be too late for him. 

 

Oh, but it was already too late, wasn’t it?

 

So Victor’s words stung more than they probably should have, cut like a knife over Yuuri’s lips, over his feelings. And then he was talking about dating, and...

 

Maybe that was why he went off the handle a little bit.

 

_“HUH??”_

 

And Yuuri stared into Victor’s eyes, searching for the answer. Victor stared seriously back.

 

Yuuri really began to regret his words. He tried apologizing, but Victor’s next words only brought back that icy cold anger, cool fire under his skin.

 

“Ah, that’s right, you’ve never dated anyone before.”

 

He could not look into Victor’s eyes.

 

\-----

 

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

 

It was so hard not to look into those bright blue eyes, smile and acquiesce. But Yuuri had to stand his ground on this one. Victor should have known.

 

He should have been able to read Yuuri’s mind, like he always had.

 

But he’s only human.

 

\-----

 

“Yuuri! Can I sleep with you again?”

 

Yuuri shuts the door.

 

\-----

 

Yuuri hid himself in his bedcovers again, for the fifth day in a row. This is probably the longest Victor has been kept waiting. Yuuri thinks this, sardonic as he curls in on himself, surrounds himself with his blue blanket.

 

God, he must be feeling terrible right now. Hopefully more terrible than what Yuuri is feeling right now. Yuuri thinks this, sending mental blades in Victor’s direction.

 

Oh, that guy must be feeling so sad… how could Yuuri even think to bring a negative thought his way.

 

“Ugh, I’m filled with guilt,” he mumbles, halfway out of bed, ready to go apologize.

 

His door slams open. Yuuri becomes suddenly as still as a statue. 

 

“Morning, Yuuri!”

 

Victor sounds as chipper as ever. But when Yuuri turns and sees the look on his face, he knows he’s done in for.

 

“Let’s go to the ocean,” He sing-songs, and it’s not a request.

 

Yuuri can only acquiesce.

 

\-----

 

“...so, your boyfriend, then.”

 

Yuri’s heart flies up to his throat.

 

“No, no, no,” he exclaims. Not yet.

 

“I just want you to stay you, Victor,” Yuuri explains, cursing his inability to express his thoughts and pull them together into words.

 

“I ignored you, because I didn’t want you to see my shortcomings.” He felt inadequate around Victor still; though he wasn’t putting him on a pedestal anymore (tough brutal practices got rid of that real quick) Yuuri still saw him as the better person, in general. That...didn’t seem like the basis for love.

 

“I’ll make it up to you,” Yuuri said quickly after. He wasn’t rejecting Victor, not at all. He was beginning to realize something like love. “With my skating.” An apology to Victor.

 

Victor looks at the ground, at Maccachin, and then at Yuuri, and his eyes are sad, but he still reaches his hand out anyways.

 

“Okay, I won’t let you off easy, then.”

 

They meet each other in the middle. 

 

\-----  
Yuuri falls to the ground. His elbow gets the brunt of the fall. Yuuri groans, holding the aching ligament.

 

“Yuuri, you alright?” Victor asks, skating up to him. Yuuri looks into his eyes and smiles, getting up with the support of Victor’s hand.

 

“Yeah, let’s keep going.”

**Author's Note:**

> ohhh god that episode killed me;;; im so alive tho lbr
> 
> I spent time analyzing the heck out of the show and was able to kinda pinpoint the area I think things changed between them? so I wrote a goddamn fic about it even though I've got about 800000 more writing assignments to do for college, but practice is practice, yanno?
> 
> I'm a creative writing major; please constructively criticize my work! Keep in mind this isn't beta'd tho, lmao. Got no colleagues that wanna read fanfic OTL
> 
> Also!!! Come scream with me about YOI on my tumblr; a-crystalline-sky. :D


End file.
